so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
