paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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