Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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