Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
