i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
