god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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