Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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