the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
