it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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