cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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