Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
