genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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