Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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