i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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