Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
