she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
