Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
