I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
