Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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