So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
