my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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