you win again, gameday.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
