How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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