dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
