I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
