I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
