She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
