listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
