I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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