she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
