hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
