ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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