I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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