I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
