I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
