but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
