It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
