i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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