i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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