Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
