My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
