Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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