She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
