You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
