I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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