just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
