He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
