I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
