i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
