I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
